Zach’s Season Record: 32-25

Twitter: @ZachSelwyn1

HAPPY post-Valentine’s Day, y’all, and if you were anything like me, you spent $133 on Cameo to have LaVar Ball wish your wife a happy V-Day with words like, “Your husband is a big baller, but you’re the only one who can play on the court with my sons.” It was an awful Valentine’s Day for the record, but Cameo is a pretty terrific last-minute gift option. You can drop $500 and have Kareem Abdul-Jabbar send your wife a message, or go super cheap and spend $35 on Timberwolves G League player Jordan McGlaughlin. I split the difference and got LaVar. Feel free to @ me for the video. Oh – Guess what I got for Valentine’s Day? A pair of flip-flops.

Speaking of a pair of flops, did anybody watch LeBron and Kuzma flopping all over the court last weekend? I’ve seen better acting done by NBA wives posting “Happy Valentine’s Day” Instagram photos with their “boo” when we all know the dude has 3 cell phones and a side chick in every town. (Sorry ladies, I’ve known a few NBA players in my day). Let’s get to making you some money with a few NBA picks…

Philadelphia 76ers vs. Utah Jazz: Utah -6.5 (-127)

Point Total: Under 228 (-130)

The win-loss patterns of these NBA teams are about as shocking as a Russell Westbrook air-ball free-throw. And I can’t figure out how the 76ers went from the hottest team in the league to losing to half of the west coast in four games. (The Trail Blazers OWN the Sixers this season…) In this game, the best team on the court is the surprising Utah Jazz, who are on a 7-game winning streak and are 22-5. The ball movement in Utah is at times poetic and between Donovan Mitchell, Joe Ingles, Rudy Gobert, etc., these dudes are looking legit.

So what happens when MVP candidate Joel Embiid and the 76ers roll into town today? The Jazz don’t slow down. Elevation is a factor, and they lose a 3^rd game in a row to the mighty Jordan Clarkson-led offense. (What?) Yeah, Jordan Clarkson is filling in nicely for the injured Mike Conley. Look for the Jazz to win at home and for Gobert to lock up Joel.

Point-totals-wise – I’d say take the UNDER here for no other reason than I think both teams are going to be playing a defensive-minded game early. Ben Simmons and Rudy Gobert are DPOY options this season, so the ball may not fall the way these guys want it to.

Brooklyn Nets vs. Sacramento Kings: Brooklyn -4 (-110)

Point Total: Under 242 (+105)

When Kyrie leaned over to James Harden and said, “You’re the point guard now” – my brain immediately went to two separate places: Sean Connery saying, “you’re the man now, dog” in Finding Forrester. And that Somali pirate saying “I’m the Captain now” to Tom Hanks. I hear both of these things in my head and they both come off, in typical Kyrie Irving fashion, as cringey and worthy of an eye roll. And there’s NO better NBA eye-roller than the Beard himself, who was very impressive running over the Warriors Saturday with 19 points and 16 assists.

Klay Thompson’s bench antics were representative of what most NBA teams will be feeling when they face Brooklyn in the second half of the season: Frustrated. The Kings will be another victim to the three-headed Brooklyn monster. But 4 is not a lot of points to give the Brooklyn Nets – especially since the Sacramento Kings are playing on a back-to-back here. I still see Brooklyn winning by more than 10. OF COURSE, this is all dependent on De’Aaron Fox and Marvin Bagley III’s injury status (both sat out Friday). If they sit, take Brooklyn BIG.

Assuming Fox does not play, take the under. If he does play, take the under. Even if the Brooklyn Nets scores their usual 110, I doubt the Sacramento Kings will hit any more than that, leaving us at least 22 points under the 242. But look for the Beard to keep up his impressive hot streak. After all, he’s the man now, dog.

There ya go friends – If I’m wrong and go 0-4 today, I’ll join Cameo and send your loved one a video greeting. My cost is $50,000.