In case you’ve been living under a rock, Jake Paul, noted YouTuber and general piece of shit, called out Conor McGregor on Tuesday in a reeeeal racy Instagram video for refusing to fight him in a boxing match. Paul shared contracts from his managers, showing that McGregor turned down $50 million for the fight, and went on to call him “a scared Irish c-nt” (among other things) and take shots at his wife ( “barely a 4,” according to Paul) and Dana White, who he referred to as a “bald b-tch.” Pretty wild stuff.

A real quick refresher for all of you wondering who the hell Jake Paul is and why you should care about him:

• Jake Paul is a 23-year-old YouTuber who creates “comedy” videos (very loose term). He has over 20.3 million subscribers and a net worth of at least $11.5 million.
• He started boxing in 2018, when he fought Deji, a British YouTuber, in the undercard for his other brother Logan’s (ALSO a YouTuber turned boxer) fight against KSI, who is, you guessed – another YouTuber. Jake won by TKO in the 5^th.
• Jake is 3-0 in his fighting career and just knocked out former three-time NBA Slam Dunk Contest champion Nate Robinson, a man who is a full 4-6 inches shorter than him, in the undercard for the Tyson-Jones Jr. fight earlier this month.

Dana White has made it clear that the fight with McGregor will not be happening, especially with his upcoming fight with Poirer scheduled for January. Fine, Dana. Have it your way. Here’s who I’d actually like to see Jake fight next.

Jose Canseco (Former MLB Player and Current Steroid User)

One of my personal heroes and a top 5 Twitter follow, Jose has been all over the Internet challenging Jake, Logan, and even their dad (probably the most normal-looking white dad ever.) Jose’s been stirring the pot because 1) he’s just generally insane and 2) Logan used to date his (very hot) daughter before they had a nasty breakup.

[embed]https://twitter.com/LoganPaul/status/1333544732207636483?s=20[/embed]

While Jose is 56, he’s certainly still on some level of steroids. He also has anger and old man strength on his side. Jake would probably beat the shit out of him or at least give him a heart attack, but it’d be fun to watch.

Amanda Nunes (MMA)

In Dana White’s press conference on Tuesday, he suggested that while McGregor wouldn’t fight, Nunes (the reigning women’s featherweight champion) would be ready to "knock his ass out,” which Nunes agreed to on Twitter.

This matchup would be a bigger male vs. female showdown than Billie Jean King vs. Bobby Riggs or Mulan vs. the entire Hun army. And while she is a champion, she’ll be giving up 50+ pounds (she fights at 135, while Paul fights at 189) and multiple inches of reach (she’s 5’8” to his 6’1”).

She’ll definitely hold her own and would most likely win. But if she doesn’t knock this prick out, there’s no point.

Antonio Tarver (Boxer)

Tarver is a former lightweight champion and Olympic bronze medalist who is most famous for starring in Rocky Balboa and knocking out Roy Jones Jr. (in that order). He called out Jake almost two weeks ago, before the McGregor madness, saying he wanted to show him that “there are levels to this” boxing game and to avenge Nate Robinson. The only issue here is that he’s 52 years old and has boxed for his entire life. Not exactly the recipe for middle-aged health.

Still, there's a shot – Tarver fought as recently as 5 years ago and claims he has stayed in fighting shape. I can’t even begin to describe how satisfying it’d be to see a literal grandpa beat the shit out of my least favorite person in the world.

Logan Paul (Brother, Boxer, YouTuber)

Since the time of Cain and Abel, there’s been one fact in this world – there’s no fight dirtier and more savage than one between two brothers. I’m almost 30 and still get in fights with my younger brother once every year. Just two months ago, we played one-on-one and he didn’t appreciate one of my hard fouls (don’t come in my paint if you can’t handle the punishment.) We started fist fighting at a playground in my parent’s suburban neighborhood in front of several 9-year-olds and I eventually ripped his shirt off his body (this could potentially be a crime, don’t tell this to the FBI.)

The point is – rules would go out the window if the Paul brothers stepped into the ring. Plus, the family drama and Instagram battles leading up to the fight would be absolutely mesmerizing. He’s gotta fight Floyd Mayweather first, but after that, we’ll see if his schedule clears up.

50 Cent (Rapper)

Honestly, this has nothing to do with Jake Paul, but I’ve wanted to see 50 Cent box ever since I heard he knocked Floyd Mayweather to the ground in a bar fight. (The two have a long-standing feud.) If he can drop the undefeated champ, Jake Paul won’t stand a chance. Not to mention the fact that he has been shot 9 times and doesn’t walk with a limp? Get Vitamin Water to sponsor, and we got ourselves a fight.

Le’Veon Bell (NFL)

The Chiefs' running back joins the list of athletes who called out Jake Paul on Twitter after his Nate Robinson fight. While he looked decent during a workout video, I remain unimpressed at all and think Paul would handle him easily. In fact, I actually want Jake to win. As a Jets fan and someone who wasted an early draft pick on Bell in fantasy football, I want to see Le’Veon have his ass beat for what he has done to me.

Dillon Danis (MMA)

The second part of Jake’s social media tirade on Tuesday involved Dillon Danis, an MMA fighter and teammate of McGregor’s. Paul drove up on Danis in the back of a pickup truck and threw several water balloons at him, calling him a p-word and “Connor’s bitch,” only to drive away the second Danis got close to the car.

Danis is a solid MMA fighter and would undoubtedly beat the piss out of Jake Paul. On top of that, he’s also a scumbag who runs his mouth and was reportedly the person responsible for taunting Khabib after his McGregor fight and forcing him to jump out of the Octagon. I’d watch this fight just for the shit-talking and the press conferences hyping up the match.

Billy Football (Pardon My Take Intern)

Mr. Football is an intern for Pardon My Take, the #1 sports podcast. And he has been very vocal about his desire to fight Jake Paul. He even went so far as to create a website, fitepaul.com, outlining his strategy for promoting the fight and how he plans to win.

While he certainly stands no chance at all (he’s never boxed and his plan essentially hinges on Jake being slightly shorter than he says he is), Mr. Football is an inspiration to all the washed-up former athletes like myself who think that being slightly above-average at high school football means you can box professionally.

Conor McGregor (MMA/Boxer) in a Bar Fight

It sucks because I know that Jake Paul is doing all this just for the attention and the clicks. But I can’t help myself! I would watch the hell out of a fight with him and Connor McGregor. Obviously, Connor would knock him out in a second. He held his own during his match with Floyd Mayweather and, despite his age, is still one of the best fighters alive. The only downside to this boxing match is that there would be referees.

Get these two hopped up on some Proper Twelve and at the same bar (or pub), and we’d see the fight of a lifetime. Glasses smashed over heads, stools thrown, pool cues snapped. I can see it now in all its glory. Without cameras or referees, McGregor would teach Paul a desperately-needed lesson and shut him up for good. It’s better than beating up an old man in a bar.